I like to believe that everyone owns at least one sex toy that is neatly hidden (or not) in the bedroom. If not, then I feel like a pervert because I’ve got a shit load of them just begging to come out and play each and every day. You don’t need to be kinky or disturbed to own a sex toy it’s a natural and normal thing since they only make the orgasm better. They enhance the sexual experience in many different ways and make for great center pieces during the holidays… wait no it’s not that kind of party!
I love sex and I thought I loved everything about sex until I one day came across the 10 scariest sex toys I had ever seen in my life on Punsihtube, the weirdest and most extreme website I have ever had the unfortunate chance to glance at. Not only was I terrified by the thought of anyone actually using these but I was tempted to run for the virgin hills I was so disturbed by these video images of crazy fucked up sex toys I couldn’t ever imagine using in my life…ever. If you own and or use any of the following sex toys, I would like to apologize in advance for any harsh judgements or comments I might be putting forth but keep in mind this is an opinion piece so, I am definitely aloud to speak my mind and call you all sorts of crazy.
10 – DILDO GAS MASK
I already knew that gas mask fetishes were becoming popular and did not spend anytime really exploring the subject because I simply thought it was a tiny majority of people actually into that sort of thing but boy was I wrong!
This has got to be an extreme version of gas masks and I don’t quite comprehend the use of this sex toy and to tell you the truth I’m not sure I want to know.
Fun website fact: Allows you to breathe in vaginal or ass odors.
9 – RUBBER FISTING MITTEN – HOOF MITTS
I could not believe my eyes when I came across these rubber Fisting Mittens, the perfect contraption for not opening cans or soda bottles. Imagine my surprise when after a little research I found they also had hoof mitts! Yes, you heard me, hoof mitts. I guess that if you fantasize about getting fucked in the ass by a horse then these could come in quite handy.
Fun Website fact: For those fun times when you don’t want to get your hands dirty, our fisting mitten is the ideal accessory to have close to hand.
8 – PRINCES WAND
The first thing that crossed my mind was what and then why? Why would a man go through that type of torture? I do not comprehend in the least bit how pleasure can come out of pain. It is a concept that I have yet to understand.
Sticking a long stick down your dick is far from the kind of heavenly feeling I would like my partner to feel. Here honey, shove this down your dick and don’t you dare cry…now fuck me. Ow.
What about the guys who have a small and short dick, I really hope they cater to their probing needs too, wouldn’t want them to feel left out. Oh and good news guys, it comes with a hole so you can still urinate and ejaculate.
Fun website fact: Here is our latest piss hole stuffer. Can also be used as a door knocker.
7 – THE NUT CRUSHER
I don’t even think there is anything to explain. It says what it is. So boys who want their nuts crushed please line up and we will get started right away with this scary looking piece of cold shiny metallic equipment that will squeeze your balls till you weep for your mama. Wait, what… no one in line? For the low price of 118.00$ it can be yours to take home and crush your nuts eternally and indulge in the terror of crotch shrinking. I only take cash and no refunds.
Fun Website Fact: Hit them where it hurts by crushing their family jewels.
6 – THE PLEASURE PERISCOPE
Go where every man has gone before and explore some vagina with this brand new and unused Pleasure periscope, and oh yeah it vibrates… They should have called it voyeur periscope and not pleasure periscope.
Self-examination my ass, I’d have to be a Romanian gymnast to accomplish such prowess. It looks cheap and useless and worst of all I’m willing to bet many people actually took out their credit cards and ordered this piece of crap where all you probably see is a blurry piece of pink. Wow…how totally exciting, I can’t contain myself, I must look at my insides…Nah I’m gonna leave that a real expert…
Fun Website fact: Take a Peek at what’s inside!
5 – GUM JOB GRANNY
Hey sweety! Want granny to make you some cookies? No, no, don’t go through all that trouble… I was thinking your muffin might do. Yeah you heard me.
For all you granny fuckers out there who can’t find a granny with a good enough hip to fuck, your prayers are answered. For only 30.58 you can stick your dick into her three realistic wrinkled holes. It’s hard for me to believe that some people really would rather fuck a granny than let’s say Jana Cova.
Fun website fact: Great Gift, and always ready to satisfy. This golden oldie even comes with her own dentures.
4 – LATEX VACBED
For the “I want to suffocate” fucked up part of you all here is the Latex Vacbed. Feel useless and powerless and like a super market pork chop for the right price of 395.00$.
I can understand the geek in all of us getting a rise as you imagine yourself frozen in Carbonite but it’s not Carbonite and this isn’t Star Wars.
Fun website fact: Though the vacbed may look scary, it’s actually very calming, relaxing and peaceful.
3 – ARTIFICIAL HYMEN
For the female non-virgin in all of us this is what we’ve been waiting for. An efficient way to go back to the years where our original hymen was still in place and we had yet to explore our sexuality.
Ever wished you could be a virgin again and give it away to someone other than that loser ass hole you thought was “THE ONE” and who selfishly took it away from you? Well now it’s all possible with the new and improved artificial Hymen. I wonder if this means that there will be a new baby boom of new dirty, naughty virgins everywhere.
Note that anal non-virgins will stay anal non-virgins for the time being, they are now working on a cure.
Fun website fact: By adding in a few moans and groans, you will undetectably recreate the fantasy of making love to a virgin.
2 – STUFFOSCOPE
The stuffoscope is just what the doctor prescribed…listening and caring about what your partner has to say, from deep inside. Simply stick it in and wait for his or her body to speak to you what fun…
Not recommended after a night of Indian or Mexican food.
Fun website fact: Clinically tested.
1 – MR JACK WITH MUSTACHE
Tom Sellek would be so proud to know he is now the ultimate tool for a perfect jacking off session. Jack off in all dignity as Mr. Jack sucks your fat dick with his soft nodule throat and sexy mustache.
As it seems some dream of a real ugly version of Sellek sucking their cock as for me this little contraption literally gave me nightmares of invasion and of them attaching themselves to my spinal cord. I will never look at a sex toy the same way again.
Fun website fact: The mustache will make you remember that he’s a guy, and that he craves you juicy cock down his throat.
I thought I was a kinky person but after having a look an researching these top 10 scariest toys that have all mostly all made it to my nightmares; I somehow realize that I’ve got a long ways to go before even touching the tip of kinky.
Maybe I’m not as open as I thought I was but damn these sex toys are a shit load of crazy. To think some actual people thought these up reminds me in how much of a deranged world we are living in. Or maybe just maybe people are confused because there is too much porn out there that it just becomes all too bland and they need to experiment with the strange and obscure. Fuck porn, come and dip your toes in the Dark Side Pool.